7 signs you're actually a pushover at work, and not just super nice
There's a pervasive stereotype that being nice at work means you're a pushover.
If you're too nice, startup investor and long-time media ｅxecutive Fran Hauser says people think "you're a pushover, you're a people-pleaser, you're weak."
But in her new book, "The Myth of the Nice Girl," Hauser argues that "when you're nice at work, it's actually a superpower" because it helps you build relationships, which are the key to career success.
Of course, there's a big difference between being nice at work and letting your co-workers and boss walk all over you— AKA being a pushover.
"To me, being a pushover is about failing to maintain boundaries in your professional life (or failing to draw any boundaries in the first place)," Cynthia Pong, a career coach and founder of Embrace Change, told INSIDER. "Being nice simply means not being rude, inconsiderate, or a jerk to people around you."
"Being a pushover is like being nice purely for the sake of having a reputation for being nice (i.e. being a people-pleaser) - with complete disregard for what is actually appropriate, proportionate, and fair."
You can be nice without letting people walk all over you.
This behavior is actually self-destructive and can hurt your career, career coach and CareerFolk founder Donna Sweidan told INSIDER.
"You will burn out, resent others by ultimately wondering why you 'have to do so much,' prevent you from asking for raises, possibly result in passive-aggressive behaviors, and ultimately impede your chances of gaining the respect you would like to earn from your colleagues," Sweidan said.
Here are seven signs that you might be a pushover at work — and what to do about it.
1. You have a hard time saying "no" to people.
One of the easiest ways to tell if you're a pushover at work is if "you feel guilty if you say no to a request to do something (or you're actually unable to say no)," Pong said.
If you try to do too much in order to please everyone, it won't ultimately turn out well.
If you can't tell people "no," you'll likely suffer from burnout.
You might say 'yes' without even realizing that doing so could cause your work to suffer overall, career coach Ashley Stahl said.
"The irony is that this person is the one that will burn out the fastest, and all their temptation to say 'yes' could eventually turn into low performance that completely undermines their shine," Stahl told INSIDER.
2. Your coworkers ask you to help get their work done.
It's not a good sign if your job feels like a high school group project — where you suddenly find yourself doing all the work while other people slack off.
Pong said if, "you're the person that everyone goes to at the last minute when they need something done because they know you will sacrifice your time, energy, and other plans to get it done," it could be an indication that you're seen as a pushover.
Do people know you're the one who will sacrifice everything to do them a favor?
If you continue to take on more than your share of work, you might start to "feel resentful that you're being asked to do more work than others, that you get stuck with more of the things no one else wants to do," she said.
Women in particular struggle with this, according to Sweidan.
"There is also a very clear line between being helpful and being subservient," Sweidan said. "Women (and men) have been socialized into thinking that it's a woman's role to take care of everyone. So, if you're one of the few women in the office, and your male colleagues are looking at you as the one who's going to get the coffee, and you are obliging when that is not your job, then you have crossed that line."
3. You're constantly trying to prove yourself.
Do you feel like you're constantly working so hard to prove yourself, but you never get any recognition for it?
It might be the case that "you're always trying to do more to please or 'prove yourself' to others at work," but you "feel like you're a 'sucker' at work and no one respects you or your time," Pong said.
You might even see coworkers you started with being awarded and promoted ahead of you.
4. You say "sorry" all the time — for no real reason.
This is one many people struggle with, including Hauser.
When she realized how often she said "sorry" for trivial things, Hauser decided to start replacing the word with what she really meant.
There's no need to apologize for trivial things or things that are out of your control.
"Really what I've found is, when I really thought about what I was trying to say, it was really 'thank you' in a lot of situations," Hauser told INSIDER. "It was more like, 'thank you for inviting me' or 'thank you for reaching out' as opposed to going to, 'I'm so sorry I can't make it' or 'Sorry it's taken so long to get back to you.'"
Hauser said she soon found that it was a stronger and more positive way of communicating.
5. You don't speak up or give your opinion.
Do you avoid giving your opinion because you don't want to upset anyone? That's not being "nice" — it's trying to please everyone by quashing your own valid viewpoints.
If you don't speak up at work, you might be seen as a pushover.
"You routinely silence yourself and your opinions because you want people to like you and you avoid confrontation," Pong said.
6. You only give completely positive feedback.
If you do happen to speak up at work, it doesn't ｃount if you "sugar coat anything you have to say that could be perceived as critical," Pong said.
This doesn't mean you should be constantly criticizing people, but you're allowed to have an opinion.
7. You take your self-deprecating jokes too far.
Another indication of a pushover is taking humility way too far.
"While it may seem funny and comforting to others in the beginning — as you try and make others not feel threatened by you — you undermine your abilities in order to not sound like a brag or too ambitious," Sweidan said. "Because then you'll be perceived as aggressive, and women want to avoid that at all costs."
Making fun of yourself too much can actually make people view you more negatively.
Making too many self-deprecating comments can be damaging, she added.
"Others will start to perceive you in the negative light you're presenting yourself and it can directly impact your performance and relationships at work," Sweidan said.
The solution to being a pushover is learning to set boundaries.
You can still be kind and helpful without letting people take advantage of you — it just requires boundaries.
"There is a difference between taking 15 minutes to help a coworker with a new program and completing their task for them," Hallie Crawford, career coach and founder of Create Your Path, told INSIDER.
Pong added that it might take some time to re-establish healthy boundaries if you've let them go completely, and it's OK to take small steps. One easy way to get started is to write down the changes you want to make in your behavior at work.
Write down the things you'll no longer put up with.
"Set aside some time, sit down with pen and paper or your computer, and write down what you are no longer willing to tolerate," Pong said. "Then, put them in order of priority, from the thing you want to stop doing immediately to those you can bear doing for a bit longer."
Once you've set your boundaries, practice saying "no."
After you've established what you'll no longer put up with, you need to learn how to say "no" — politely yet firmly.
Since it may not come naturally to you, Pong recommends preparing and practicing ahead of time.
"Think of a few firm, but polite, ways to say no, and write them down," she said. "Here are a few to get you started: 'Unfortunately, I can't take that on anymore,' 'My schedule is too full.' Or, keep it short and sweet: 'No, I'm unable to.'"
It's OK to tell people "no" sometimes.
Pong suggested reading these statements to yourself daily, so that next time someone asks you to something above and beyond what you should be doing, you can set that boundary.
Practice asserting yourself in your personal life.
You can start advocating yourself with people you trust in your personal life, such as your family and friends.
"It's OK to start small to build up your skills in this area," Pong said.
Start by sharing with a friend or family member that you don't like something that they do like, she recommended.
"Again, there is nothing wrong with having your own opinion about something or with voicing it," she said. "Nothing about that is inherently mean or cruel or inappropriate. Simply saying, 'Actually, I don't like bowling, I'd rather go to the movies,' in a kind tone of voice shouldn't lead to conflict or drama (and if it does, that's a big red flag)."
When you're more comfortable, apply these skills to your professional life.
After some practice, try it at work.
"Offer your opinions more freely, especially when they are different from others," Pong said. "Be a little bolder: learn what you can do without asking for permission first and then do those things without asking for permission."
Be bold.
Just remember that you can stand up for yourself and assert yourself in your career and still be nice.
Article Source: http://www.businessinsider.com/how-to-tell-if-youre-a-pushover-or-just-nice-at-work-2018-4
Image Source: https://hbr.org/resources/images/article_assets/2015/05/MAY15_15_pushover.png
VOCABULARY WORDS:
1. Pervasive (adj.) ~ (especially of an unwelcome influence or physical effect) spreading widely throughout an area or a group of people
2. Pushover (adj.) ~ a person who is easy to overcome or influence
3. Slack off (phrasal verb) ~ stop working hard or putting effort into something
4. Resentful (adj.) ~ feeling or expressing bitterness or indignation at having been treated unfairly
5. Subservient (n.) ~ prepared to obey others unquestioningly
6. Trivial (adj.) ~ of little value or importance
7. Sugar coat (idiom) ~ make superficially attractive or acceptable
8. Self-deprecating (adj.) ~ modest about or critical of oneself, especially humorously so
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION:
1. What is the difference between being nice and being a pushover?
2. Do you think you are a pushover or assertive? Discuss your answer.
3. Why is being a pushover not a good thing?
